After failing to dethrone the Brooklyn Nets’ Billy King, Jason Kidd has spent the last two years secretly brooding from the security of the Milwaukee Bucks bench. Many careful observers assumed a similar power move was in store for our very own Wisconsin team. However, even the most careful of observers underestimated the uncontrollable quench for domination that drives the Milwaukee Bucks coach. How have we all been so ignorant?
One local Milwaukee Bucks expert and self-proclaimed “awesomest media person ever” may have been well ahead of the crowd with his skepticism surrounding Kidd’s compliancy as coach. Rightfully afraid of Kidd’s growing wrath, said individual has asked us to use Wery Goelfel as his/her anonymous alias. What follows are a few choice snippets from Goelfel’s personal evidence journal dated over the past two years:
“Jason Kidd is good man evil man really evil man.”
“Saying ‘Kidd’ backwards sounds a lot like—”
“1 year as Nets coach + 2 years as Bucks coach + lifetime of GM aspirations + 7 (it’s my goshdarn favorite number) = WORLD DOMINATION”
Powerful stuff, Goelfel; if only we had listened. Nonetheless, the evidence is not limited to one man’s crude journal entries. Multiple league sources have confirmed that a “large number” of other league sources have noted that there is increasing concern within the Bucks’ locker room that Kidd has eyes set on the absolute highest prize. One player in specific, the lovable and skilled Giannis Antetokounmpo, hints at the reality of Kidd’s expanding dominion:
“Coach Kidd is great [at acting like an innocent fool whenever rumors begin unraveling about his desire for upward mobility. Don’t let his sheepish smiles deceive you; he is growing stronger and stronger with each passing day. My teammates and I have noticed a sinister shimmer in his devilish green eyes whenever political missteps are discussed among the players. It’s as if he senses opportunity nearing the horizon as the world creeps closer to complete anarchy. Once Kidd reigns supreme, there’s no telling who will literally be left to rot in his doghouse. Be wary, my friends.].”
As for now, there is no timetable for Jason Kidd’s rise to unquestioned leader of the world. Only one truth is known: it is indefinite. Please do not mistake his sly coyness for quiet coolness; all must know his true colors to delay and dampen his eventual ascendance. I recommend that everyone do their part to get on good terms with Jason Kidd before it is too late (I’m looking at you Larry Sanders). If you are fearless or aloof to the matter, I beg you to come back to reality – Kidd will lead us, you and me, into eternal ruin… unless, of course, Kidd’s stagnation as Milwaukee Bucks head coach is only an indication of his contentment with his profession. In which case, ignore all that shit about world domination.