Case #2017: College Football Playoff Committee vs. The University of Wisconsin
Bailiff Lee Corso: All rise for the Honorable Kirby Hocutt.
Judge Kirby Hocutt: We are here today for the College Football Playoff Committee vs. The University of Wisconsin on the charges of theft and generally irritating us, I mean, them. Please be seated and let’s begin with opening statements. The plaintiff will begin.
Frank Beamer, Esq: Thank you, your honor. Now, I have been around this game for years. I have seen the Bowl Coalition, I lived through the BCS, and now I live in a world where my esteemed colleagues and I select the four teams deserving to play for a National Championship. With that being said, we already have four teams that fit the bill and Wisconsin has been caught trying to steal one of those spots. It has really been a pain trying to keep them out and we would love to end this once and for all.
Judge Hocutt: Thank you, Mr. Beamer. The defense may begin with their statement.
Paul Chryst, Esq: Thank you, your honor. Members of the court, it is my pleasure to represent such a wonderful client as the University of Wisconsin. The charges of theft are completely unwarranted as one of those four playoff spots is rightfully the Badgers’. These spots are earned, not given, and my client has given nothing but proof on why they should have one of the spots.
Judge Hocutt: We will move on to our first witnesses. Playoff Committee, is there anyone you would like to call to the stand?
Frank Beamer, Esq: We would like to call Jalen Hurts, representative of the Alabama Crimson Tide, to the stand.
Frank Beamer, Esq: Hello, Mr. Hurts. The Playoff Committee believes that you have a legitimate claim to one of the Playoff spots for this postseason. Based on what you have observed, is there legitimacy to this claim?
Jalen Hurts: Absolutely, I don’t really see why I’m even up here, honestly. We are undefeated and play in the toughest conference in football. What is there to question at this point?
Frank Beamer, Esq: Agreed, Mr. Hurts. No further questions, your honor.
Judge Hocutt: Very well. Mr. Chryst, do you have any questions for Mr. Hurts, or do you have another witness you would like to call to the stand?
Paul Chryst, Esq: No questions from us, your honor, but we would like to call a representative of Clemson University, Kelly Bryant, to the stand.
Paul Chryst, Esq: Thank you, your honor. Now, Mr. Bryant, your team won a National Championship in the 2016-2017 season, is this correct?
Kelly Bryant: Yes, sir.
Paul Chryst, Esq: And you were and technically are currently on your way to a chance to do the same thing this year. Is this correct as well?
Kelly Bryant: Definitely.
Paul Chryst, Esq: I thought you would say that. What happened with Syracuse earlier this year, then?
Kelly Bryant: I-I got a concussion…
Paul Chryst, Esq: Come on, Kelly. That’s not all that happened. When you played Syracuse, a team that is under .500 on the year, what was the outcome of the game?
Kelly Bryant: I don’t recall. I had a concussion, have some sympathy.
Frank Beamer, Esq: Objection! Your honor, Mr. Bryant had a concussion! Mr. Chryst is clearly badgering the witness!
Judge Hocutt: Sustained. Mr. Chryst, that is enough. He has already been through enough and you know how much a loss to a bad team can put on a man, or I guess, maybe you wouldn’t this year, but leave him alone! Mr. Beamer, your next witness.
Frank Beamer, Esq: Will Oklahoma Sooner, Baker Mayfield, please take the stand?
Paul Chryst, Esq: Objection. Your honor, can we please have someone other than a quarterback on the stand? I happen to think running backs are extremely valuable.
Judge Hocutt: Overruled. Though I agree with you, we need to abide by Heisman Rule.
Frank Beamer, Esq: Mr. Mayfield, you are currently on a top 4 team based on the last CFP Poll, is this correct?
Baker Mayfield: Yeah, that’s right. I’m also the Heisman front-runner for anyone who didn’t know.
Frank Beamer, Esq: Good to know. Is it also true that your Sooners have the toughest rated strength of schedule?
Baker Mayfield: Oh, for sure. Did you also know I’m in the lead for the Heisman?
Frank Beamer, Esq: You mentioned that. I also believe you mentioned exactly why you should be in the final 4. Thank you, Mr. Mayfield. No further questions, your honor.
Judge Hocutt: Does the defense have any questions for Mr. Mayfield?
Paul Chryst, Esq: Yes, your honor. Mr. Mayfield, how many games have you lost this year?
Baker Mayfield: One. Just like the place I’m in for the Heisman race.
Paul Chryst, Esq: You don’t quit do you? Can you tell me what team it is that you lost to?
Baker Mayfield: Scrubs from Iowa State, but no one from there is going to beat me out for the Heisman so it’s cool.
Paul Chryst, Esq: Oh my… didn’t Iowa State get bumped out of the top 25?
Baker Mayfield: Didn’t you forget who daddy was? I’m the leader in the Heisman race, it ain’t my fault we lost and you better not ask me a whack question like that again.
Paul Christ, Esq: Whatever, not worth it. For the sake of the members of the jury, it, in fact, true that Iowa State is not a top 25 team. No further questions, your honor.
Judge Hocutt: Would you like to call anyone else to the stand?
Paul Chryst, Esq: Yes. The defense would like to call Miami Hurricane running back, Travis Homer, to the stand.
Paul Chryst, Esq: Mr. Homer, what is your team’s record on the season?
Travis Homer: We’re 11-0.
Paul Chryst, Esq: Thought so. Funny, Wisconsin is also 11-0. Mr. Homer, what game would you say constitutes your biggest win of the year?
Travis Homer: Man, it’s got to be the Notre Dame game. That turnover chain was being passed around more than…
Paul Chryst: Aaaaand onto the next question.
Travis Homer: I was going to say more than the way Rosier dishes out dimes.
Paul Chryst, Esq: Thanks for keeping it PG. Anyways, other than Notre Dame, what other quality wins has Miami picked in 2017?
Travis Homer: I mean, Bethune-Cookman is a quality school. You can get a great education there.
Paul Chryst, Esq: I’m sure you can, Mr. Homer, but if we’re being honest, you have not beat anyone in the top 25 other than Notre Dame.
Frank Beamer, Esq: I object! Virginia Tech will be in the top 25! Don’t disrespect my Hokies!
Judge Hocutt: Sustained. Change your line of questioning, Mr. Chryst.
Paul Chryst, Esq: The defense rests.
Judge Hocutt: Mr. Beamer, any further questions?
Frank Beamer, Esq: None, your honor.
Judge Hocutt: Very well. We will proceed with closing arguments. Mr. Beamer, you may begin.
Frank Beamer, Esq: Members of the jury, it is clear that Wisconsin is being a pest. Alabama is, without a doubt, the best team in college football. Oklahoma has the best player, as Baker mentioned more than a few times. Miami is undefeated and beat my Hokies. As far as Clemson goes, they’re just good, ok? Wisconsin hasn’t played anyone, these four teams have, I rest my case.
Judge Hocutt: Mr. Chryst?
Paul Chryst, Esq: Mr. Beamer is correct in a few things he said, but, members of the jury, I would like to challenge his thinking. Alabama is the clear-cut number one team, I will not dispute that, but it is important to note they are undefeated. Mr. Mayfield’s Oklahoma Sooners may have the toughest schedule on the year, but they lost a game and it was to a now unranked Iowa State. Miami has the same record as we do and beat Notre Dame and Virginia Tech, while we beat Northwestern and Michigan. I see a lack of equity from the Committee in that regard. Finally, Clemson. Really? There is no reason Clemson should be in the top 4 after losing to a Syracuse who has lost more than they have won. When it comes down to it, the Wisconsin Badgers are undefeated and two of these teams are not while one who is has a similar schedule as we do. All in all, Wisconsin is not trying to steal a spot, we deserve it. I rest my case.
We will find out what the jury decides Tuesday at 6 pm on ESPN.